Slip Sliding Away, a humorous tale of personal lubrication

“All I remember is sitting up on the table thinking, ‘Oh my God! There’s lube everywhere!’”

And thus we begin our heroine’s (um...that would be me) descent into madness. Or, well, at least the descent into the battle with too much lube. *sigh* It happens.

Lube. Personal lubricant. KY Jelly. Astroglide. Slippery Stuff (my personal preference). You know what I’m talking about. Don’t make me keep naming names.

I want to write something funny. I keep thinking that I will and then I back off, not wanting to say something considered too inappropriate. Or I worry that what I think is funny simply won’t translate as such to other people. One thing, however, that really should be universally humorous is the wacky hijinks that happen during physical therapy as related to lube.

If you think about it, it’s easy to see that the use of lube would be a huge component of pelvic floor physical therapy. As much lubrication of the vaginal canal as you can manage is going to help with inserting a dilator or a penis. That may not solve all the problems, but it certainly helps and I can personally attest to this.

Whenever I’m in physical therapy, it seems like something funny happens with the lube. My therapist talks all the time about the copious amounts she uses on each patient. I’d never really thought about it because I don’t pay that much attention to how much she uses. I’m more focused on if there is pain during a stretch or, better yet, when there is not.

One day, however, we had finished my session and the therapist had left the room so I could get dressed. As I sat up on the table to get cleaned up, my first thought was "Oh my God! There’s lube EVERYWHERE!!" I mean, seriously. It seemed like it was everywhere – on me, on the sheet covering the table…all over the place. Now, I’m fine with using more rather than less because I don’t want pain, but this seemed perhaps a wee bit excessive.

Of course, normal people don’t go around telling people this kind of thing, but then, I’ve never been normal. It’s part of my charm. As much as I thought that would be a freakishly good social media status update, I managed to refrain and simply told a few friends about it. Thankfully, they laughed, but then, they also know I’m nuts. It helps to remember that.

Another morning the PT was putting lube onto the dilator – covered in a condom, as mentioned in a previous post, because we do like to practice safe sex – when suddenly a large blob fell right onto the floor. The look on her face was priceless! Her mouth fell open, her eyes went wide as saucers, and she stared in shock. I, of course, was of no help since I was laying on the table, naked from the waist down and covered in a sheet...laughing like a hyena.  

Recently the office changed the brand of condom they use (I have no idea which kind was used now or before) and the PT commented that sometimes the lube simply slides right off. Well, yes. Yes, it does. Onto the floor. Onto me. Probably onto her shoe now and then, but I haven’t witnessed that. Yet.

A week or so ago she was once again lubing up the dilator at the start of our session, using this bottle of Slippery Stuff with a pump (like a lotion bottle). As she got just about the right amount that she wants on there, a big blob slid right off and onto my sheet-covered stomach. She looked more horrified and it was more comical than the first time she dropped some on the floor. And I'm just lying on the table laughing at her because her expression was too damned funny. I wish I'd had a camera.

It may not make it funnier, but my physical therapist is 26-years-old and a reasonably petite blonde. She’s kind of perky, but I don’t mean that in a mean-spirited way at all. She has the perfect personality for the work she does and we get along like gangbusters. But half of the funny in all this is how she reacts when she drops something or the condom shoots across the room. It’s comedic horror at its finest. Twice condoms have shot across the room while she was putting them on the dilator. Really people, you can’t make this stuff up.

Sometimes it’s just hard to stop the laughter…thank God!! If I had to go through all this straight-faced and uptight (And hellloooo! Being so damned uptight is part of what got me into this mess to begin with I am sure.) I’d never make it.

On a more serious note, I have the sneaking suspicious that most folks don’t use enough lube even if the woman doesn’t have this kind of problem. I can only imagine it would make things better for everyone if they did. There’s my unsolicited tip for today.

The recommendations from my therapy office are for water-based personal lubricants, like Slippery Stuff (which is what they use and what I use and can be purchased from Amazon.com as I haven’t seen it in my local stores) or Astroglide. My PT isn’t big on KY.

I’m sure I’ll have more humorous lube stories in the future. It’s just something that seems to lend itself to funny things happening. Although I’m really surprised I haven’t had any twisted, awkward dreams revolving around personal lubrication. It seems like that would have been a given.

Now if someone could tell me how I managed to nearly put my underwear on inside out one day after physical therapy, that would be great. It’s not the first time I’ve put on my underwear. You’d think I’d know by now how it’s done.