When you insist on tip toeing through the tulips, you may end up with fertilizer on your feet

Why do we tip toe around things so much? Walking on egg shells so that we don’t accidently “offend” someone. I’m not advocating simply saying whatever you think and feel at whatever time you think or feel it. People do that enough on Facebook these days and it’s out-of-hand, but I’ve dealt with a ridiculous level of political correctness because I was in college in the blooming age of PC and it drove me nuts. It was like you weren’t allowed to be unhappy for any reason – EVER – because hey, let’s all be shiny, happy people! Whee! *coughcoughBARF*

Today I was talking to a colleague who knows all my business because I trust her and consider her a friend. A friend who might also throw me under the bus professionally if it came down to something between her or me, but personally she’s had my back and listened to a lot of my angst over the past year or so. I appreciate that.

During our little chat, I was talking about my annual OBGYN visit happening this afternoon and I mentioned that I was a little disappointed that I think my insurance only does pap smears every two years now instead of every year (and how twisted is it to WANT to have a pap smear??) because that would give me an idea of how well my physical therapy is working. Then I said something about how I guess it was just as well since my period had started last night (oh please, that’s not TMI considering everything else I talk about!). I whispered the word “period” when I said it, like it was something that shouldn’t be mentioned. Not that I want to have in-depth discussions with anyone about that, but still…why did I feel like I had to whisper about it to another woman when we weren’t within earshot or anyone else?

Why are we so afraid of these kinds of personal things?? For crying out loud, if I have to see one more commercial for erectile dysfunction with people dancing around and everything making it sound like it is SO important that men can perform sexually, I might scream. Because women always seem to sit in the shadows without being able to talk about this kind of thing because it’s “inappropriate” or women aren’t supposed to have sexual urges and desires without it being seen as “wrong” or “dirty” or “shameful”. Yes, I know, I’m ranting right now and I’m ok with it. Sometimes you gotta let it all out.

Truly though, why is it the norm to see those kind of commercials on TV al the time, but until I opened my big yapper about this type of problem for women, most people I know had never heard of it?

I heard a story in a Ted Talk about a female newspaper editor who didn’t want to run a story on this type of thing because she claimed that if painful sex was really a problem for women, why wasn’t anyone talking about it? WHY??? Because the societal norm has always been that women don’t talk about that kind of thing. If they desire sex, they are promiscuous or a slut. Something must be wrong with them. But if men talk opening about sex, it’s just part of being a man (whatever the hell that means these days).

Vaginismus or lichen sclerosus or dyspareunia aren’t only about sex or the desire for it though. It’s a quality of life issue. For me personally, it’s not like I’m getting any regular offers, but now that I know the equipment isn’t working right, I’d like to get it up to snuff before the next opportunity comes along, y’know? But it makes me angry to see ED have such a public profile when women have sexual dysfunction issues as well and they are just as demoralizing for them as it is for a man who can’t get an erection. And if a man CAN get an erection, what good does it do if my vagina is a hostile environment??? Why get it up if you can’t get it in??

Thankfully the men I know who have engaged me in any kind of conversation about vaginismus have done so in the most respectful and open manner I could ever have imagined. I wasn’t sure the men in my life (any of them, so I apologize for that generalization to all my male friends and family members) could handle that kind of discussion, but I was wrong. Not that I sit down and talk about it to them with regularity face-to-face, but I’ll get an email or comment now and then from someone that lets me know they have been paying attention and that something they came across made them think about my situation and want to share information. The fact that men are listening and really hearing is wonderful!! As I said the very first time I publicly talked about this, it is NOT just a women’s health issue. It affects everyone.

Enough ranting. I’ll leave the final words of the evening to Julia Sugarbaker. Mostly because I no longer have any idea where I'm going with this so why not let her take over the ranting for me.

You want me to do WHAT with that?!?!

I honestly don’t remember much about my consultation or first physical therapy session. It’s been going on for so long now that it’s simply a part of my life. A part that I hope will be over sooner rather than later, but it is what it is.

The first day I went to consult with my physical therapist, she showed me a model of the pelvis and explained the different muscles and how they connected and worked. Then she said if I felt comfortable, we could do an initial pelvic exam. Nothing says “fun” like having to explain your sex life (or lack of one) to a total stranger and then get naked from the waist down so that they can examine you. Yeah, I think that’s right about the time I lost my filter on discussing all sorts of things and lost any inhibitions I might have had about allowing a stranger to see me naked (at least in a clinical setting). And vulnerable. Let’s never underestimate the level of vulnerability that goes along with a situation like this. But my therapist was (is) nice and it was either trust her or never solve my problem, so I voted in favor of trust and have certainly been proven right.

Thankfully, physical therapy has been helpful to me physically, but also a reason to laugh a ridiculous amount. As a friend of mine said, who suffers from vaginismus and a dermatological condition called lichen sclerosus, (which I actually think I was diagnosed with about 20 years ago) “you get to know someone pretty well when they are all up on your hoo ha”. Since that friend is also a doctor, I guess that means “hoo ha” is, in fact, a medical term. Use it as you will. But back to the laughter…my PT and I laugh ourselves silly sometimes during physical therapy. I’ve shed tears a time or two, but never in the office. We really laugh through PT in the office. Thank God!!

Looking back, however, I can’t imagine how I was ever convinced that this was a good idea. I mean, let’s break it down here. You are in a clinical setting, although it’s set up like a spa room for relaxation purposes with low lighting and soothing colors and paying someone to stick a hard object into your vagina. Depending on the severity of someone’s condition, this can be excruciatingly painful, no matter how hard you try to relax. I was given a set of breathing and relaxation exercises to work on outside of PT sessions, but that doesn’t mean the nerves won’t get you. If you are experiencing pain when something is inserted in your vagina, it’s hard for your mind and body not to have the instant reaction of tensing up when that is attempted.

No one is asking, but here is exactly what is used for the physical therapy. This is a medical dilator set that can be purchased on Amazon.com (and other places, obviously). This is the model that is used by my physical therapist and I have this set at home as well. And yes, they practice safe sex in the therapy office since the dilator always wears a condom. J

This photo was taken from Amazon.com's listing for this dilator set.

This is not the set that is initially recommended by my therapist, which is why I have 2 sets. She tells all her patients about this dilator set since it only costs about $25.

I have both sets because they differ in sizing and if I was going to be able to do the same PT at home that we did in the office, I wanted to have comparable sizes.

I’ve said to many people and I hope it is obvious that there is nothing sexy or erotic about this. Nothing whatsoever. I don’t enjoy pain and had zero interest in the “50 Shades of Grey” books. Pain isn’t fun. It isn’t sexy. It’s pain, plain and simple. Which leads me to another extremely important component of physical therapy – the use of copious amounts of personal lubricant. But that’s a story – many funny stories, actually – for another day. Right now I’m focused more on the dilator sets. And so are you, most likely, since I’ve made you look at pictures.

This physical therapy is something I will always have to do, even when I’m released from office visits. In order to keep the vaginal muscles working well, they have to remained stretched out and this is going to be the best way of keeping them like that. That’s also why I bought the white set of dilators – it’s an investment since I know I’ll be using them more than a few months. I’m fortunate that I can afford to do that. I’m fortunate that I can afford to have the physical therapy that my body needs. I’m fortunate that I’ve got people who are supportive of what I am doing, even if they most likely would prefer NOT knowing about everything happening #allupinmyvagina.

I’m not sure if I have a twisted sense of humor or if things that happen really are funny. I’ve had the dilator fall on the floor. I’ve had the pieces separate while I was using them (still haven’t figured out how that one happened). At least twice the condom has shot across the room while the physical therapist was trying to put it on the dilator. I think we laughed so hard we cried the first time it happened. You can’t make this stuff up.

Twice I’ve even allowed an undergrad PT student to sit in during a session, always on the side where they couldn’t see anything, mind you. I tell them about how I came to be in therapy, what it feels like and how my body reacts during a session; I’ll pretty much answer any of their questions as long as they are interested in learning and not freaked out by the kind of physical therapy that is going on (and they are always female).

I suppose my mantra or my theme for all this is that you can either laugh or you can cry. I continue to choose laughter and am grateful for all the ridiculously funny moments that happen in this journey. We laugh every single time and maybe in this case, laughter truly is the best medicine. ‘Cause, y’know, nobody offered me valium, so…